Archive for the 'There's something about Maria' Category

Full of Tears

What did I do? I just sent my family half ways around the world yesterday. For what, so I could pretend I’m a post-collegiate twenty-something with no responsibilities? Quit my job, moved out of my house, and sent them all away to Finland where I might not be with them for months all for this silly fucking dream of mine. If I met me right now, I’d kick my own ass.

I don’t get it. I’ve been waiting for this moment for quite a while. With the four of us (Maria, our dog Lexi, our cat Lil’ Shit and myself) crammed in a tight room, always on top of each other especially while sleeping, constantly in each others ways and scheduling so busy, I was counting the days to this. I wanted the extra space to get myself ready, wanted the free time to prepare for my future adventures, wanted, wanted, wanted. I couldn’t envision what it would be like with them gone. I couldn’t imagine the pain it would bring on to know that Maria’s not waiting for me at home and that Lexi won’t be there to jump all over me. I actually couldn’t shut the light off in the room last night when going to bed without waiting for her to come up to my side of the bed as she did every night waiting for permission to jump onto the bed. I can’t even write that damn sentence without crying. God I miss them. And it’s barely been twenty four hours. Be careful of what you wish for, you just might get it. I never truly got that saying. NOW I get it.

Guess I should explain what I’m talking about. As I haven’t been updating this thing lately, it wouldn’t be well known that I brought Maria and the animals to JFK airport yesterday afternoon for their flight to Finland, Maria’s home country. As I get ready to begin my European motorcycling adventure, Maria is taking our little family home to Finland where she can rehabilitate her ailing back and get in touch with her Finnish-ness. She had been experiencing home-sickness for quite awhile and we both agreed that it would good for her to spend some time with her family and friends while I go off and do whatever it is that I do.

I have had a really hard time this past month to free up my mind and myself long enough to get these thoughts on paper. With everything going on with me getting things ready and organized plus helping Ria get herself ready with the animals I barely had time for work, let alone this. So I let myself down a bit here, as this is the part of everyone else’s story that always seems to go missing as well. I was so determined to capture it so for that next person to attempt this stupid, crazy idea, they would be able to see what it was truly like to do it. Not just the stories and pictures of faraway lands, but the pain and heartache that one must endure. And man, it’s a LOT.

So Since my last post, I was able to solidify my future with the purchase of my plane ticket to Munich. Dec 4th as previously noted. It is scarily close to that date, right now. I really need to hit the ground running this weekend, as I am in need to get a lot done, soon. One thing that will be a big relief for me is that on Monday, my cousin Jimmy the motorcycle mechanic will be coming by to teach me all about motorcycle maintenance. We’re going to change all fluids and have a lesson on what I need to watch for and how to fix it. He really is a good kid and I wish there was some way to repay him for all of his time that he has so graciously given to me.

There is so much more that I want to say right now, but it’s as garbled in my head as all of this must look on a computer screen. I’m exhausted. Mentally, physically but most of all emotionally. I miss my family so much right now that concentrating on much else is not really succeeding. If the only thing that I learn from all of this, is to stop taking everything for granted and truly begin to look around at how wonderful my life is, then it will all be worth it. Great friends, strong loving family and someone who loves you no matter what stupid things you do are truly priceless. I have all three and would not trade them for anything in this world.

Maria, I know you are reading this and I want you to know how truly sorry I am. I’ve made these past few months pretty darn hard for all of us and you have been wonderful throughout it all. You’ve supported me and put up with my shit longer than probably anybody else would. You are an amazing woman and I owe you the world. I miss you so much right now that I can barely write this to you. The thought of you, Lexi and Lil Shit so far away is one that I am not dealing with very well. I cannot wait to see you all again. Hopefully that will be very soon. I lurve you.

Mikie on 15 Nov 2007 | Life in a Box & Preparation to Leave & There's something about Maria | Comments (5)

There’s something about Maria (Part 1)

*disclaimer* This post, more so than all of the other posts, is all over the place. Random thoughts thrown on a virtual piece of paper. So read with caution.

One thing that I have been neglecting avoiding in my previous posts, is my relationship with Maria and how this all ties together. Maria and I love each other. We’ve always had a great time together and enjoy each other’s company extensively. However, in the past couple of years, there has been a fair amount of tension. Most likely all caused by me, but also some attributing to the fact that she lives so far from her family and friends in Helsinki, Finland. As having a very strong sense of family here in the states, I can’t fully understand as I have not yet experienced this, but I can certainly empathize with her.

But that doesn’t change the fact as to how this affects us. The uncertainty that seems to always hover above my head as to where she truly wants to be can make it tough for one to ever feel comfortable or settled. Friends, family and a culture which she not only grew up with, but also feels just right to her compared to the land of opportunity where truly anyone can start their own business doing the exact thing they love. Oh and did I mention I am here (at the moment)?

So as it turns out Maria, who is my number one supporter and definitely feels I should be going through with all of this, is not truly crazy about the idea. Mostly about the part that affects her as she is quite excited for me regarding my soon to be adventure. After four or so years in a relationship, getting settled in a new country and having too many places we have called home, she doesn’t want to do it all over again. This ‘temporary life’ as she calls it. The perpetual motion of us never settling anywhere. And this is not just regarding our life together, but our collective lives from the beginning.

And really, who could blame her? Well me, I suppose. I’m sorry, but I am being super selfish at this time in my life. I have spent my entire adult life worrying about everyone else but me. Sure I’ve been plenty selfish at times, but not in a good way. I always considered everyone else’s feeling over my own. Not a healthy way of life, something that I learned long ago but never fully applied successfully. Might not be the best timing, but I need to start somewhere.

Now I don’t truly blame her. I feel really bad about all of this. But I do truly believe that this is the best thing for us at this time in our lives. I NEED her to go home, even if it’s just for a few months, to experience the Finnish life again. To truly find out if that’s where she needs to be. And I need to go travel. Scratch that itch from my past and clear my head. Find out where I need to be. There are no doubts in my mind that we’ll be able to find a common ground throughout all of this as we both have a very similar outlook on life. But the chance does definitely exist that we might find different paths after everything is all said and done. I can see her apprehension.

Well that’s enough for now. Not exactly an easy subject but one that does need mentioning. I will attempt to reread this later on and attempt to clarify in my next post.

Mikie on 07 Sep 2007 | There's something about Maria | Comments (0)