A Life in Waiting

*disclaimer* This post, more so than all of the other posts, is all over the place. Random thoughts thrown on a virtual piece of paper. So read with caution.

One thing that I have been neglecting avoiding in my previous posts, is my relationship with Maria and how this all ties together. Maria and I love each other. We’ve always had a great time together and enjoy each other’s company extensively. However, in the past couple of years, there has been a fair amount of tension. Most likely all caused by me, but also some attributing to the fact that she lives so far from her family and friends in Helsinki, Finland. As having a very strong sense of family here in the states, I can’t fully understand as I have not yet experienced this, but I can certainly empathize with her.

But that doesn’t change the fact as to how this affects us. The uncertainty that seems to always hover above my head as to where she truly wants to be can make it tough for one to ever feel comfortable or settled. Friends, family and a culture which she not only grew up with, but also feels just right to her compared to the land of opportunity where truly anyone can start their own business doing the exact thing they love. Oh and did I mention I am here (at the moment)?

So as it turns out Maria, who is my number one supporter and definitely feels I should be going through with all of this, is not truly crazy about the idea. Mostly about the part that affects her as she is quite excited for me regarding my soon to be adventure. After four or so years in a relationship, getting settled in a new country and having too many places we have called home, she doesn’t want to do it all over again. This ‘temporary life’ as she calls it. The perpetual motion of us never settling anywhere. And this is not just regarding our life together, but our collective lives from the beginning.

And really, who could blame her? Well me, I suppose. I’m sorry, but I am being super selfish at this time in my life. I have spent my entire adult life worrying about everyone else but me. Sure I’ve been plenty selfish at times, but not in a good way. I always considered everyone else’s feeling over my own. Not a healthy way of life, something that I learned long ago but never fully applied successfully. Might not be the best timing, but I need to start somewhere.

Now I don’t truly blame her. I feel really bad about all of this. But I do truly believe that this is the best thing for us at this time in our lives. I NEED her to go home, even if it’s just for a few months, to experience the Finnish life again. To truly find out if that’s where she needs to be. And I need to go travel. Scratch that itch from my past and clear my head. Find out where I need to be. There are no doubts in my mind that we’ll be able to find a common ground throughout all of this as we both have a very similar outlook on life. But the chance does definitely exist that we might find different paths after everything is all said and done. I can see her apprehension.

Well that’s enough for now. Not exactly an easy subject but one that does need mentioning. I will attempt to reread this later on and attempt to clarify in my next post.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.